The aSASSAnation of Lindiwe Zulu.

Last week almost brought the aSASSAnation of Social Development Minister Lindiwe Zulu when the system responsible for the payment of all SASSA dependents got infected by the nasty Coronavirus. Payment scheduled for the 4th and 5th of May experienced a computer glitch that resulted in some grant recipients receiving their payment twice in one day. 

It must have been a joyous moment for those that received double payment because they had been made to stand in long queues. Among those in the queues were the elderly, the frail, the disabled and caregivers. These poor people were pushing each other without a single thought of social distancing in line with the government's imposed Lockdown. They were all in a hurry to get paid out before the possible impossible happened such as Loadshedding or a strike by bank tellers. 

Not so long ago, before the election of Cyril Ramaphosa to Presidency of South Africa, scores of vehicles emblazoned with ANC emblems that encouraged the voters to vote for the ANC went house to house looking for the elderly to ferry to various pay points to receive their grants. These vehicles that were used to carry gogos and mkhulus (the elderly) during the elections were needed now more than ever to save our elderly from a possible exposure to the killer Covid19. 

Perhaps the ANC cares more about votes than the voters. Suddenly the ANC suffered from amnesia and forgot that we have elders in the community. The amnesia that the ANC suffers from will come back to haunt them in 2023. Our elderly don't suffer from Alzheimer and they will remember how they were used by Silili and the governing party. 

Day 46 of the Lockdown saw Lindiwe Zulu make true of the promise made by President Ramaphosa to roll out R350 to abomahlalela (loafers) and the unemployed. Abomahlalela are the people who simply don't want to work but are always drunk including the Nyaope boys and blame the government, witchcraft and everyone for their miseries and misfortune except themselves. The unemployed are those people who genuinely seek work but can't find it. 

The Coronavirus didn't make the SASSA grants payout any easier for Lindiwe Zulu and rumour has it that she called Bathabile Dlamini for advice. That's just rumours and can't be verified, especially with the amount of secrecy in the ANC and the government. Sis Lindi, as she prefers to be called by those condescending to her, almost tore her hair, I mean her wig, with frustration. Not only did the Coronavirus infect a couple South Africans on the 4th and 5th but also crept up to infect the SASSA system culminating in the double payment of some recipients. 

Christmas came early for some gogos and mkhulus who received their grants twice in one day. Some close to Lindiwe claim to have seen her crying with fear for what Cyril would say to her later in the afternoon. Lindiwe won't be able to account for her May month budget deficit thus she asked our elderly to return to her what is due to her. In simple terms, Lindiwe asked our elderly to give up on their early Christmas. 

I don't believe in hearsay but there are rumours that Lindiwe Zulu was inebriated on the Sunday before SASSA payment thus she punched some names twice in the system. It is my strongest belief that the Coronavirus was responsible for the SASSA computer glitch. If Covid19 can attack the Chinese and their Kung Fu, surely Avast has no match. However, I refuse to believe that Lindiwe could have typed twice for a single recipient in a drunken stupor. I blame it all on the creepy Coronavirus. 

Minister Lindiwe has asked the gogos and mkhulus to return her money or face starvation in June. What an unfeeling Minister! Imagine a 90 year old gogo who sends her grandchild to draw money on her behalf every month? The grandchild knows how much is due to the gogo on monthly basis and to their surprise, the ATM coughs out twice the expected amount. The grandchild pockets the other half and thanks amadlozi (ancestors) for being benevolent at these uncertain times. The grandchild gives the other half of the money to the gogo. 2 days later, Sis Lindi threatens the gogo with retribution for the money she knows nothing about. 

Shouldn't Bheki Cele send in the police to confiscate the alcohol in Sis Lindi's house since rumour has it that she was tipsy when she typed some gogos and mkhulus names twice? If Sis Lindi is hoarding alcohol in her house then she's defeating the ends of Lockdown and must be arrested. All Ministers houses must be searched for hoarding alcohol and Bheki Cele must send in amaberete (Tactical Response Team) to avoid vibrators being brandished in public and taxi passengers being told to sit down before they get into the taxi. 

How Ministers have been behaving and saying in public is a sign of drinking alcohol on the job. All this wouldn't have happened under the watchful eye of Bathabile Dlamini. How she is missed. Bathabile Dlamini and her lap dancer Lumka Oliphant would have made sure Ministers behave. 

Now abomahlalela are eagerly awaiting their salary promised to be paid on the 15th of every month until October. As I said before, abomahlalela comprises of Nyaope boys and should they not get what is due to them, chaos will reign supreme and we may need to rope in the Zimbabwe Defence Force to come and assist. The Zimbabwe Defence Force knows how to deal with a rowdy crowd better than the SANDF. The Nyaope boys have been on a forced rehab and they need the R350 more than Bathabile needs her Old Buck Gin. 

Therefore, I have to warn Minister Lindiwe Zulu to be aware of her impending aSASSAnation if abomahlalela don't get their 6 months salary as promised by President Ramaphosa, which will be disbursed on a monthly basis. 

Something tells me that Bathabile Dlamini is waiting with curious anticipation to see as to how this all will unfold. In most probability, Lumka Oliphant is hoping that Minister Bathabile Dlamini is able to pull this off without anyone accusing her of drinking on duty. 

Oops, I meant Minister Lindiwe Zulu's spokesperson. 

Jabulani Nzilane is the author of Nelson Mandela: The Rise of Madibaism available at https://www.amazon.com/Nelson-Mandela-Madibaism-humanist-emancipation/dp/1719822107

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